ഒരു നഗരം

ചില നഷ്ടങ്ങളെ മാത്രം

നെഞ്ജിലേറ്റി തകർന്നടിഞ്ഞൊരു

നഗരം ഉറങ്ങാതെന്നെ വിളിക്കുന്നുണ്ട്!

രാത്രിയുടെ മങ്ങിയ വെളിച്ചത്തിൽ

കൂട്ടം തെറ്റിയ ചിന്തകൾ

അവിടെയും ഇവിടെയും

തട്ടിത്തെറിച്ചൊരു കോണിൽ

അഭയം തേടുന്നു.

നഗരമൊരു വേശ്യയാണെ-

ന്നൊരു സുഹ്യത്ത്

പറഞ്ഞിരുന്നു പണ്ടെന്നോ..

അവളിൽ നീറ്റലും, വേദനയും

ചില നേരങ്ങളിലുത്സാഹ

തിമിർപ്പും കാണാനാവും.

പണ്ടെന്നോ അഹോരാത്രം

പ്രസംഗിച്ചവശേഷിപ്പിച്ച

ചില ശബ്ദങ്ങൾ

തെരുവു നായ്ക്കളെപ്പോലെ

ഓടി നടന്നൊടുവിലൊരു

മൂലയിൽ ചുരുണ്ടു കൂടി.

നഗരം നിഷേധിയാണ്,

അവളിന്നും ചില രഹസ്യങ്ങൾ

നെഞ്ജിൽക്കൂട്ടി മുഖത്തൊരു

മൂടി വെച്ച് ആളുകളെ

തന്നിലേക്കടുപ്പിക്കുന്നു..!

Another New Year

Wishing all a very happy new year.. its late, but year is still new year, huh?
Starting was pretty good for me. On 1st jan, i completely stayed inside home..i think i havent seen anyone other than my parents on that day..ridiculous and boring me! that was a sunday, so, i love to rst completely that day..not always.. some sundays, i used to hang out with friends, watch films and all.. but am a lazy child always. Yesterday was my mom's bday. she born and brought up in a very orthodox family, and her dreams and wish are very limited and she is so simple and correctly fit in the role of a religious home maker. she do job for her family, and take care of everythng in home and complaint for simple matters but when we try to fulfill her wish, she would ask why u did this, y u bought that etc etc.. yesterday, i gift her a phone, as always she asked why you wasted money for this?..i have a phone, then y?..etc. but i can feel the happiness in her eyes, those were filled up with tears, but she hide it from me. not because of the phone, but of the gift gave by her daughter from her own earnings. ;)
i used to write diary from childhood.. and till my high school days i usually burn the first diary when i start the next ..i really dont understand why i did that.. now i dont do that. yestrday, i completed my 3rd diary and started the new.. its a good experiene to recall the memories, my diaries contains my 4-5years..
.

is it good to be a single child?

i started to think about some of my behaviours after reading a post. yes, only reading can make us write. the matter is that, i talk to myself a lot, in my home, outside home too.. as i brought up alone i used to talk to myself, to my diary, to the mirror, sometimes to the person who doesnt exist anywhere around me. i remember, from childhood i used to imagine situations that shall happen in recent times and i create the whole dialogues that i have to tell when that situation occurs. :) but that help me most times., but not always.
my colleague told me that when i walk on road, my face explains that i am thinking so deeply. and am just out of mind. yeah true.. i think a loooot, mostly when i walk alone. i told here before that am not am singer, but i love to sing and i do that in mind, i sing a lot, and sometimes i cannot control that interest and then the song will burst out of my mouth.. and the sad part is that, it always happen when am travelling, or walking.. soo sad.. then i'll start think of the people around me, poor people.. hei dont think i sing loudly.. noo. slow.. bt people can understand that my mouth is moving and am not on fone or something.. so they may feel am mad!!
why all this happen in me?.. may be am brought up as a single child.. sometimes, it hurts when my friends talk about their siblings and all that... but the same thing make me happy sometime.. when am home, i get complete attention of my parets, i dont have to share their love, or anythng.. when they bring something home, i dont have to give to anyone. am i being selfish??.. oh God, no.. when am with friends, i love to give them alll that.. but the matter is that noone is demanding me to give this or that..
but girls shouldnt born or brought up lonely.. my life taught me that.. sometimes, the lonely feeling makes me mad...

Manukuttan

He was charming,
handsome,
naughty, so loveable.
He was the love of
a family.
He always care about
his hair, beard.
new styles, new looks.
he was fantastic.

but last time, when i saw him,
he was laying on a bench,
covered with white clothes.
His head was half damaged,
no new look,
no beard,
no smile in his lips.
no pain also.

His loved one's told me
with tears ..
look, its not him.
its not him.

29/9/2011

When your heart stop thinking of me,
Stop beating for me,
My heart starts beating heavily as
It dont get enough air to breathe.
Kanna,
Why is it so?

kottayam - karukachal, 21km

I always loved journeys. travelling long distance, even if the scenes are same. from childhood, i try to make stories about the houses that i pass by, from the persons roamed there. all houses have its own stories. it may be idiotic, but i love to do that. when getting bored of the story creation i start thinking about my stories.

By feeling a very strong love, me and him had planned to get married 3,4 years ago. yeah, that was my teenage. so actually i can understand now what the teenage actually feels. but now, i know that we might have get divorced by now. its not because we dont love, it actually because the lack of time spending together. I know al the facts and situations surrounding us. Because of job, we dont get time as much as we had in our college days. but when the temper is in peak, i really cant remind and understand this. Why why why.????
So i think one should not get married without having a job and without understanding the time which can spend in job days. Understanding matters dude!

There was a time when i had too much stuffs to write. So much bogs, discussions were active at that time. what is happening around me.. may be am getting into myself now. may be others also.
but really missing that days now.

Employed

am employed now, new place, new people.. its much far from my home. have to take 2 buses to reach here. but actually the places that i have to travel through is pretty good. big trees, small waterfalls, very greenish appearance. the place i work is called 'karukachal'. 2 collegues. so u can understand its a small brach office of a big company.
am just sitting here, watching people outside, getting bored, feeling hungry..
so i thought to do blogging.
opposite to my office, there is a small tea shop. that caught my eye first.

food, and foood

am so hungry when am sad. y is that so? so last day i made a snack..
ya. its good..
i'l tell the recipe.. it tastes so good.
take 7-8 dates, remove its seed and fill there with cashew nut or badam.
take some 2-3 spoons of maida , mix it with water.
put the dates in the maida mix and deep fry it in oil..
the snack is ready..
actually,
the dates tastes good after frying it.
no moree news for today.

lately...

it happend. i got specs.. dr told me to use it continuosly for about 6months. :)
i cannot think that am alone again.
but its true.
life is not so simple like we think.. ups and downs.. am fed up.

Seasons..

Again its a muzzy day. Morning,i decided to clean up my book shelf. It contained a lot of books unarranged and i got my 10yr old pen collection from that. I was really hesitated to threw out my stuffs, and luckily most of the pens had no ink and i so dump it today.oho.. feeling sad.:(

Before some days, a point was discussed about behavioural changes in rainy season. I donno how many persons felt that. my friend told me that he have 2 characters, and feel so calm and talk sweet and write a lot in this time. and rest of the time, might not be feeling the same. But i felt its true.
From my observation, i found out a similar behavioural change. Not much behavioural. But somewhat similar to that. i love to write a lot in rainy season. Matter and subject is not at all an important factor in these times. Besides that, i just love to be wrapped by my red blanket and sleep all the day,closing all windows for making a dark in the room. And so, reading will be very less. Since school days, i easily fell asleep if i start reading in night. But that phenomenon was just for study texts. And i dint like to sleep in after noon like all other do. But in rainy season, the cold make me sleep all the day. I know, u may be feeling it usual or my writing as bull shit.!!!
But think, Why is that so?

How a rain can make changes in people?..
Seasons affect people.. mh.. needs a proper research. :)

ME.!

When someone asked me to select the way that i like, i always sat with a shameless face. Its been like this always.

I am 22 and everyone think that i should have an aim to which i extend my dreams. But unluckily, i dont have any. It just varies from this to that with any of the surroundings or situations around me.

Sometimes, i love to become a dancer eventhough i dint dance anywhere outside my room. even i cannot named it as a dance. and i love to study moree and more and collect a lot of degrees/certificates eventhough i hate to write exams. what to ddo?.. none will give degrees without writing some stupid exams.

Latest is, to start a restaurant.b'coz my first and foremost interest is to cook and eat. mh.........I love it. and the one hidden fact behind is, even the owners of the restaurants will not be ready to eat the food they serve in my city.Am not telling it about all restaurants. but, around 95%.

ha.. likewise, my interest change from this to that.

Now i've completed my post graduation. But still yet, my life was just flowing. I selected one subject in HS. and then reached a very different topic in graduation. then also, i did my post graduation in a subject i've never thought of till the end of my graduation. I dono how i am like this.. why i spend life like this.. without much try to explore the future, i reached here. so i think, this will continue and i shall reach somewheree i never thought of.

for some 3 days, am feeling pain behind my eyes. One of my friend told me that i shall have to wear specs. I always loved to wear it since my childhood. but before 2,3weeks my friend told me that i'l look bad with specs. so i changed my mind. i dont want it now. mm.. am tensed to go to a eye specialist..i dont want specs...

experiencing another rainy season

i was finding a place to hide,

yeah, from me.

I am enjoying the heavy rain.. where else i can see the most beautiful rain than this. its continuously raining.

and my most beautiful interest it to see the rain, but sometimes, like to be inside home by closing all the doors and windows. but can see the rain through the windows even it is closed. and, reading in that dim light. I donno why i feel to do so.

yeah, its flood over here. almost all over here. so i think, the rain is beautiful only within here. outside, people are struggling. road sides are fully flooding, so its difficult to get out. and i find the something interesting here is that most people hate to get wet in rain.. why?

ഒരു മഴ പറഞ്ഞിട്ട് പോയത്

ഒരു മഴയില്‍ അങ്ങ്‌ തൊടിയില്‍
നിന്റെ പ്രണയം നീരാട്ട്‌ നടത്തിയതും
മയങ്ങിക്കത്തുന്ന മെഴുകുതിരികളെ
നീ ശപിച്ചിറക്കി വിട്ടതും
മഴയുടെ കുളിരില്‍ ‍
രാത്രി ചുവപ്പ്‌ പട്ടില്‌ മൂടിയതും
ഞാനോര്‍ക്കുന്നു.
ഒടുവിലീ മഴ നിന്നെയവഗണിച്ചെന്നെ
സ്വന്തമാക്കവേ
തിരിഞ്ഞ്‌ നോക്കാനാവാതെ
ഞാനിറങ്ങുന്നു

. . .

മഴയുടെ ഇരമ്പലില്‍
ചില കണ്ടുപിടുത്തങ്ങളിലാണ്‌
മുറ്റത്തെ ചെമ്പകം.
നിന്‍റെ വിയര്‍പ്പിന്‌
വസന്തത്തിന്‍റെ രുചിയും,
നിന്റെ ചൂടിന്‌
ശിശിരത്തിന്റെ കുളിരും
ഈ മഴയ്‌ക്ക്‌ നമ്മുടെ നിറവുമുണ്ടത്രേ,
കാലങ്ങളോരോന്നായ്‌
നമ്മില്‍ മാറി മാറി നിറയവേ,
ചെമ്പകങ്ങള്‌‍‍‌ പുതിയ നിറം
നമ്മില്‍ കണ്ടുപിടിക്കുന്നു

നീ മാത്രം

എന്റെ പ്രണയം കടലും കരയും കടന്ന്
ആകാശവും ഭൂമിയും കടന്ന്
നിന്നിലായ് മാത്രം ഭവിക്കട്ടെ!


കാറ്റേൽക്കുന്ന നെൽക്കതിർ പോലുടൻ
ഞാനാർദ്രയായ് തീരട്ടെയതിന്റെ
യുണർവിൽ നിനക്കായ് ഞാൻ
സ്വപ്നങ്ങളുടെ കണ്ണിചേർത്ത്
പ്രണയം കൊരുത്തുതരാം.

06/30

i dont care to be a mad,
if ur with me to take care of.
i dont care to die,
if u fill top of my grave with fresh flowers
everyday.

i donno how to express my love,
how to hide my love,
i dont want you to know.
because, thats the only way to
move away from me.

each turn of the street give me
a feeling of your existence.
am expecting to see you on each roads,
each streets.
mad me!
mad you!

You are absent here.

Hey my poet,
its the time in our life for dream weaving,
But now also
my clothes are white, blank.
I donnno, did i love anyone?
Do you know where i lose my colors?
How you'll know, you were facing the most violent storm of love.
Your absence is inured now.

Its raining, raining, raining,
everytime.
Not the rain which comes and wipes out everything.
She comes and makes a feel of comfort.

In the empty corridor,
There is a gangrenous smell.
I tried to find out its origin and reached
where i threw the lyrics of my loneliness.
But now i understand,
these lyrics gave me the most wonderful poems.

You know, its fun here, in life.
Wonderful days, lonely nights,
Books, Songs, Dreams, Fights,
Rain, Love,
Me.
No madness,
Full of wildness.
But, everything leaves the feelings of
some unknowing, upcoming distraction.

But now,
Am happy in the lucid fraction of life.
.

Am Alive Here.

Again became mad

What is the extreme happiness?
When you feel your heart is filling with tears, your eyes starts to pour it, you don’t find a reason to be sad, and, u feel the whole world is beautiful than you ever thought, then you are feeling the extreme happiness. Without the last clause, it can be some sadness also. Sometimes I too felt that. Some unknowing reasons were behind that. I know.
But now, am in happiness.
“Thanka kinaavinkal,
Ethoo smarana than,
Thamburu shruthi meeetti nee vannu..” Beautiful, soulful music of Baburaj.
You know,
This single song made me this much happy.
I am writing a post after 1 or 2 month. I know. These days were happy. Good. Beautiful. Full of love. But this was never happened within these time.
You know, how beautiful it is to look the world through the eyes which is fully filled up with love and heart fills up with tears.
Am in a theatre, in the stage, someone showing a piece of art work.
I am beautiful, here, in the lucid fraction of life.

some mad thoughts

My mind is empty now. But then also, am forced to write something.today is a clear day, beautiful. Sky was full of clouds.Sometimes, i feel like someone is looking at me from there. but when i look there, she hide somewhere there within clouds.but i can feel it.

My most beautiful love happens when there is a beautiful, calm rain with a view of running train.donno why, but i feel excited and get overwhelmed with full of love and happiness.
I love train journey, it have a hope of new life, new experience. When train moves, i can feel me moving like cloud. When train move through the fields, i am losing my mind somewhere there, i became a small girl playing there. whenever i go infrnt of houses, may be in train or bus, i try to imagine the life there.i starts thinking like i am living there for a long time and i know every member of that family.i know that life is not like an imagination and things are not same as we see.but i love to imagine.it costs nothing na!

whenevr train stops in some station, i expect someone who know me well and expect me there and come with a smile and hug me and say ' i missed you alot'..each journey gives me new expectations and new hopes to live more. whenever i hear the voice of train, i feel like someone is there within it who is thinking about me. its beautiful to expect more and more and more.

am full of love now.
now, i feel to share some more matters now. about our school. i studied in a girls school. there was some relationship which cant be named. i really felt it as love, real love. but there was no physical relationship. in the whole school, only 2 or 3 cases. they love each other, walk always together, friends always give them a special consideration to stay together. one is always possessive about the other. in all cases, i felt like, this love happens on beauty or talent of others. but it cant be named as an adoration. they give love letters and look the other with full of love and when others talk to them, they became possessive. But there was no physical relationship. I wonder what name can be given to these. After completing my school, i dint heard about these anymore. When think about that, i feel to laugh..how childish!!.. I dint hear anyone talk about these type of relation anywhere other than in ur school. Alll those memmories are just a fraction of a picture.. imponderable!!

mad

when loneliness haunts,
when it comes again n again,
when totally alone,
noone to talk,
nothing to think,
life tends to be in a stage of
total emptiness!!
some said,
its beautiful to be there.
but no,
when i reach there,
when i feel the total eptiness,
i am coming to a state of..
i donno wat it call,
feel like am mad.
when life structs somewhere
where there is no chance of improvement ,
when i felt there in nothing around,
i can feel i am totally alone.
no relation here, there, anywhere.
death is better than this emptiness sometimes.
ya,
am learing to draw sketches in the emptiness.