Friday, June 12, 2009

some mad thoughts

My mind is empty now. But then also, am forced to write is a clear day, beautiful. Sky was full of clouds.Sometimes, i feel like someone is looking at me from there. but when i look there, she hide somewhere there within clouds.but i can feel it.

My most beautiful love happens when there is a beautiful, calm rain with a view of running train.donno why, but i feel excited and get overwhelmed with full of love and happiness.
I love train journey, it have a hope of new life, new experience. When train moves, i can feel me moving like cloud. When train move through the fields, i am losing my mind somewhere there, i became a small girl playing there. whenever i go infrnt of houses, may be in train or bus, i try to imagine the life there.i starts thinking like i am living there for a long time and i know every member of that family.i know that life is not like an imagination and things are not same as we see.but i love to costs nothing na!

whenevr train stops in some station, i expect someone who know me well and expect me there and come with a smile and hug me and say ' i missed you alot'..each journey gives me new expectations and new hopes to live more. whenever i hear the voice of train, i feel like someone is there within it who is thinking about me. its beautiful to expect more and more and more.

am full of love now.
now, i feel to share some more matters now. about our school. i studied in a girls school. there was some relationship which cant be named. i really felt it as love, real love. but there was no physical relationship. in the whole school, only 2 or 3 cases. they love each other, walk always together, friends always give them a special consideration to stay together. one is always possessive about the other. in all cases, i felt like, this love happens on beauty or talent of others. but it cant be named as an adoration. they give love letters and look the other with full of love and when others talk to them, they became possessive. But there was no physical relationship. I wonder what name can be given to these. After completing my school, i dint heard about these anymore. When think about that, i feel to childish!!.. I dint hear anyone talk about these type of relation anywhere other than in ur school. Alll those memmories are just a fraction of a picture.. imponderable!!

Friday, June 5, 2009


when loneliness haunts,
when it comes again n again,
when totally alone,
noone to talk,
nothing to think,
life tends to be in a stage of
total emptiness!!
some said,
its beautiful to be there.
but no,
when i reach there,
when i feel the total eptiness,
i am coming to a state of..
i donno wat it call,
feel like am mad.
when life structs somewhere
where there is no chance of improvement ,
when i felt there in nothing around,
i can feel i am totally alone.
no relation here, there, anywhere.
death is better than this emptiness sometimes.
am learing to draw sketches in the emptiness.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

expecting the next puff of a cigrette!

what would be you if you are not in a state like todays?. Did anyone thought of it yet. a sophisticated real history is with everyone.but try to change each incidence with anything else. or try to think of a life which was neither yours and nor anyones near you.when we think about a life which is so far and again feel to live that,and when we hv no guts to apostatise, there will be a lot of problems around that. and it is more complicated when we live in an orthodox family and live in a place which create more cultural barriers.
someone said to me that life is so short, so break rules to live the life as we want. ya, i feel to do n live my life.
i can imagine me in a state of full freedom and self-destruction or in an isthmus or in an island.
i love to wander through the streets, to the different cultures.i can imagine me in haridwar with cigars and drugs.i donno why, but i am compell to do this, not by othres, but by my mind that time, i know there will be no more relations connected to me, everyhtng must be ruined by me.but i love to dream that. but am dare to face the the life is compulsarily ordered to live in someother way, it just feels as a curse.when i made the first puff in my life, i cannot explain, how beautiful it is. whenever i thought of it, i felt a self-respect or independancy or something something or a mental orgasm.but it never happened again.that just felt till the next puff.
my burg is very bore. a very usual life.a place which never changed.its growing,but mentally, evryone is still in the 19th cannot be changed, every relation must have name. Noone understand that there is some relations which have no name, which cannot be bounded by some aspects. life is like a charade, but usually answer will be wrong.evryone is interpretting others life and attitude, and making some other meaning. intruders!! hell of that.
here is raining everyday. each raindrops come with raga's. i love to walk in th rain, through the cities where noone watch me with lusty eyes, where eveyone gives a respect to an independant woman.but it will never happen in my city.
here is some of my dreams:but for all of this, i want my love with me or agood companion,otherwise all these plans will be utter bore.
i love to wander through cities,
to have food from street shops,
to have a long drive in nights,
to sit in knolls in nights,
to hear poems,
to say poems loudly, beautiful.