You are absent here.

Hey my poet,
its the time in our life for dream weaving,
But now also
my clothes are white, blank.
I donnno, did i love anyone?
Do you know where i lose my colors?
How you'll know, you were facing the most violent storm of love.
Your absence is inured now.

Its raining, raining, raining,
everytime.
Not the rain which comes and wipes out everything.
She comes and makes a feel of comfort.

In the empty corridor,
There is a gangrenous smell.
I tried to find out its origin and reached
where i threw the lyrics of my loneliness.
But now i understand,
these lyrics gave me the most wonderful poems.

You know, its fun here, in life.
Wonderful days, lonely nights,
Books, Songs, Dreams, Fights,
Rain, Love,
Me.
No madness,
Full of wildness.
But, everything leaves the feelings of
some unknowing, upcoming distraction.

But now,
Am happy in the lucid fraction of life.
.

Am Alive Here.

Again became mad

What is the extreme happiness?
When you feel your heart is filling with tears, your eyes starts to pour it, you don’t find a reason to be sad, and, u feel the whole world is beautiful than you ever thought, then you are feeling the extreme happiness. Without the last clause, it can be some sadness also. Sometimes I too felt that. Some unknowing reasons were behind that. I know.
But now, am in happiness.
“Thanka kinaavinkal,
Ethoo smarana than,
Thamburu shruthi meeetti nee vannu..” Beautiful, soulful music of Baburaj.
You know,
This single song made me this much happy.
I am writing a post after 1 or 2 month. I know. These days were happy. Good. Beautiful. Full of love. But this was never happened within these time.
You know, how beautiful it is to look the world through the eyes which is fully filled up with love and heart fills up with tears.
Am in a theatre, in the stage, someone showing a piece of art work.
I am beautiful, here, in the lucid fraction of life.

some mad thoughts

My mind is empty now. But then also, am forced to write something.today is a clear day, beautiful. Sky was full of clouds.Sometimes, i feel like someone is looking at me from there. but when i look there, she hide somewhere there within clouds.but i can feel it.

My most beautiful love happens when there is a beautiful, calm rain with a view of running train.donno why, but i feel excited and get overwhelmed with full of love and happiness.
I love train journey, it have a hope of new life, new experience. When train moves, i can feel me moving like cloud. When train move through the fields, i am losing my mind somewhere there, i became a small girl playing there. whenever i go infrnt of houses, may be in train or bus, i try to imagine the life there.i starts thinking like i am living there for a long time and i know every member of that family.i know that life is not like an imagination and things are not same as we see.but i love to imagine.it costs nothing na!

whenevr train stops in some station, i expect someone who know me well and expect me there and come with a smile and hug me and say ' i missed you alot'..each journey gives me new expectations and new hopes to live more. whenever i hear the voice of train, i feel like someone is there within it who is thinking about me. its beautiful to expect more and more and more.

am full of love now.
now, i feel to share some more matters now. about our school. i studied in a girls school. there was some relationship which cant be named. i really felt it as love, real love. but there was no physical relationship. in the whole school, only 2 or 3 cases. they love each other, walk always together, friends always give them a special consideration to stay together. one is always possessive about the other. in all cases, i felt like, this love happens on beauty or talent of others. but it cant be named as an adoration. they give love letters and look the other with full of love and when others talk to them, they became possessive. But there was no physical relationship. I wonder what name can be given to these. After completing my school, i dint heard about these anymore. When think about that, i feel to laugh..how childish!!.. I dint hear anyone talk about these type of relation anywhere other than in ur school. Alll those memmories are just a fraction of a picture.. imponderable!!

mad

when loneliness haunts,
when it comes again n again,
when totally alone,
noone to talk,
nothing to think,
life tends to be in a stage of
total emptiness!!
some said,
its beautiful to be there.
but no,
when i reach there,
when i feel the total eptiness,
i am coming to a state of..
i donno wat it call,
feel like am mad.
when life structs somewhere
where there is no chance of improvement ,
when i felt there in nothing around,
i can feel i am totally alone.
no relation here, there, anywhere.
death is better than this emptiness sometimes.
ya,
am learing to draw sketches in the emptiness.

expecting the next puff of a cigrette!

what would be you if you are not in a state like todays?. Did anyone thought of it yet. a sophisticated real history is with everyone.but try to change each incidence with anything else. or try to think of a life which was neither yours and nor anyones near you.when we think about a life which is so far and again feel to live that,and when we hv no guts to apostatise, there will be a lot of problems around that. and it is more complicated when we live in an orthodox family and live in a place which create more cultural barriers.
someone said to me that life is so short, so break rules to live the life as we want. ya, i feel to do n live my life.
i can imagine me in a state of full freedom and self-destruction or in an isthmus or in an island.
i love to wander through the streets, to the different cultures.i can imagine me in haridwar with cigars and drugs.i donno why, but i am compell to do this, not by othres, but by my mind itself.at that time, i know there will be no more relations connected to me, everyhtng must be ruined by me.but i love to dream that. but am dare to face the reality.as the life is compulsarily ordered to live in someother way, it just feels as a curse.when i made the first puff in my life, i cannot explain, how beautiful it is. whenever i thought of it, i felt a self-respect or independancy or something something or a mental orgasm.but it never happened again.that just felt till the next puff.
my burg is very bore. a very usual life.a place which never changed.its growing,but mentally, evryone is still in the 19th century.life cannot be changed here.here, every relation must have name. Noone understand that there is some relations which have no name, which cannot be bounded by some aspects. life is like a charade, but usually answer will be wrong.evryone is interpretting others life and attitude, and making some other meaning. intruders!! hell of that.
here is raining everyday. each raindrops come with raga's. i love to walk in th rain, through the cities where noone watch me with lusty eyes, where eveyone gives a respect to an independant woman.but it will never happen in my city.
here is some of my dreams:but for all of this, i want my love with me or agood companion,otherwise all these plans will be utter bore.
i love to wander through cities,
to have food from street shops,
to have a long drive in nights,
to sit in knolls in nights,
to hear poems,
to say poems loudly,
wow..how beautiful.
.
.

Here,in my room.

I think,
i feel beauty in untidiness. i understud this when i think abt myself. some of my interests, character, evrythng points to there.
i love the long hair which is not combed. i love to make it free, i do this when am in home. when books are not arranged in any order and spread it all over the room, it looks so great.. try it once,u'll feel it.my table contains all most evrythng i use like books, perfumes, oil, comb, gel, stick, gum etc. everythng is spread all over there. but it looks so good.
now,
am in search of God. i donno frm where i got this interest. i hav read a book of malayalam writer M.Mukundan's 'haridwaril manikal muzhanghunnu'. Its a story based on haridwar. That story gves a special feeling. After reading that i was in a dream of haridwar. from there, i reach the stories of hindu ethics, history of india, then osho, budhism, jainism..after go through all these, i reach to find God.
now i have a great wish to go to haridwar. dhakshan's haridwar. the haridwar which sings skandha purana, pathma purana, siva purana.. the place of manasa devi ,anjana devi and all the goddess of hindu ethics..
i feel like hinduism is not a religion. Its the culture of bharatham.Bharathan's bharatham.
.

Me!

Am an 20yr old girl from God's own country. Living in a orthodox family and am a monotheist. i hav comleted ma graduation this year n waiting for the result. I had a lot of dreams(like mount everest), but i feeel like i lost all the courage to attain all that. Now i dont have any plannning about my future studies, job or somethng. I am just keep going with the life. I wrote poems sometimes. I have a lot of mad interests like ..... . I have to go now. Today my college magazine is going to be printed. Last time, they made it a flop, so am in big tension about todays situation, bcoz am this years magazine editor.

Today.

Today am starting this blog for a reason.
i wanna let u knw that there is a girl like me also in this universe. i believe everyone have there own distinguished factor within them. but its difficult to understand it. everyone is different, may be in their look, talk, walk or character. i believe am also. i wanna share here 'what is me'. but i donno hw much it become a success. but i'll try. i want to tell this whole world that am also live here.